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Suicidal Void's Journal
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Date:2005-06-07 01:28

Jekyll, highlighting his lack of control over Hyde, "I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self, and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse."

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Date:2005-06-07 00:50

Drugs and alcohol are used to repair their personalities especially when there is a problematic representation of self to others. The personality disordered are commonly addicted persons because the "cycle of addiction" perpetuates the extreme self-state needed to shore up their self-cohesion while at the same time undermining any adaptive integration of self with experience. All addicted persons experience cycles of self-state extremes. One of the extreme self-states will be the dominant organizer of experience. An alcohol-induced self-state, for example, will assist in lowering inhibitions and facilitating aggressive tendencies. A psychoactive drug-induced self-state may assist in fostering paranoid delusions. The most serious and sadistic crimes committed by such individuals will be when they are at the peak of their dominant extreme self-state. This means that they commit crime while intoxicated or shortly thereafter. Since they only "need" to drink or drug when there is a need for personality repair, it's unclear if they have a substance addition, a violence addiction, or a state of mind addiction.

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Date:2005-04-28 16:22

"Apathy, loss of memory, abeyance of concentrative power and manifestation of mind genrally, combined with loss of self-reliance, and indisposition for or impulsiveness of action, irritablility of temper, and incoherence of language, are the most characteristic mental phenomena of chronic dementia resulting from masturbation in young men."
A Second Inquiry Into a Frequent Cause of Insanity in Young Men

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Date:2003-10-13 00:03
Subject:Crystal Gazing

Long gazing into any kind of clear depth can induce a semi-trance like state, in which the future is forseen and spirits reveal themselves.

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Date:2003-09-20 18:24
Subject:Jack - Off

No more Jack for me. No more ALCOHOL for me. I'll still do crack and other goodies but no more drinking. HA, I now I said this before and I know I sound like I'm crying wolf. Me not drinking? Well about a weekago I had this horrible stomach pain. I felt like something exploded in my stomach, I thought I would surely die. No I did see Jesus. But the pain came anytime I ATE. Just eating. So one weekend I said fuck it and drank some vodka and juice.THE WORST FUCKING PAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE OVER CAME ME AS I CRINGED, BECAME COLD AND CLAMMY AND VOMITED BLOOD.
I then knew something seriously was wrong.
Well its not the end of life but I have a peptic ulcer. Anything spicy, alchol, or coffe will pretty much put me in pain. So for now I'm off it all.
Going out last night to Miss Kittys showed how fucking bad it is going to be. Boring, annoying people. Thats everyone = INCLUDING YOU!
Without the warm glow of drink, everyone drives the shitfuckingpiss out of me. I loathe humans! Especially bar people and LA people. My choice will be isolation and fear and loathing of society even more. Drink for me was a way to get out and deal with the primal. Now its drugs or nothing.
So don't say hi to me if you see me out, I'm not going to be my happy go lucky drunk self anymore.

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Date:2003-07-04 12:02
Subject:Ketamine Experiment #13 Injected 2.5 ccs
Mood: nostalgic

The END?
For this one, I had mucho anticipation. It’s the last of the vial, no more K, it’s the last time I may ever do it (unlikely) but for now I can get on with my life, I can sleep at night knowing the temptation is not there. Using my larger stereo, I hooked it up, this time with the subwoofer, I’m sure the neighbors appreciated the droning. 12am. Injection, a prick and 15 seconds later its all in my muscle. (I found my bottom to be the least painful). The leg was a little more painful, and I remember hearing it has so many fucking veins, you really wouldn’t want to hit one. If you hit a vein I hear - your out with a syringe hanging off you. Not a good way to wake up.
K is for Knowledge
The K eases its way over me. I’m in a different room, different bed. The room is crimson red. My body begins to bend to stretch in impossible volumes and I see gods. Not one, but many, they are all around me, beacons of light I choose to fly to to teleport to but never quite reaching. The entity is strong in this one. I experience a maelstrom of friends. I saw all of their faces. An F-hole. I had an overwhelming appreciation for them and realized how fucking cool they are - how unique each one is and how great it is to know them. Sounds sentimental, (probably is), but each face passed through my head, each person, but especially this special girl, not the special ed kind, but one I grow obsessed with, oh how I miss her. She came back over and over, how fucking weird I see real memories mixed in with k ghosts. I call her the Queen of the Blind Squid. I was pulled through some tunnels, the normal K behavior, the queen of the circulating library quietly whispered in the back ground. I should start a religion on her.
She informed my card has expired.
I told her god was in the needle.
I’m not sure she understood.
I pull out, so much better than the last trip and another lifetime of experiences crammed into 1 hour. Experiences I feel will be hard to remember for the human brain has a switch to not remember. Its too bizarre, its too disconnected, the brain tells us that it isn’t safe to remember these inter-dimensional explorations. Its hard to relate to them having an EGO. If one sheds the ego, maybe, but we put so much importance in ourselves. I watched Brothers Quay through the groggy after effects and for once in my life I was so into being alive and living in the now.

Note to self - use the vials, the syringes, razor blades, to make a painting called god is in the needle. I’m such a junkie.

Note to others - This last trip to K land occurred a long time ago. How long we do not know, but the fact is I used it when I wanted to, planned it out and (heh) used responsibly like one would when taking a journey or traveling to another country (dimension).
Its not like acid, shrooms or many others. In fact I think about it more often then all drugs (next to alcohol). I will do it again, but I will use it a tool to remind myself that it is indeed possible to shut your reality off and instantly feel like everything is right, correct, free, fun….as to say there is a paradise. Telling anyone of your K experience makes many believe you are ‘psychotic’, ‘insane’ , ‘schizophrenic’. None of these are true, for I’m just as insane as when I went in. It is literally impossible to explain events so strange, so bizarre, yet so full of TRUTH, it sometimes seems meaningless as I read back through these journals. I have a heightened spirituality (I still believe in no established god or religion). I know what one person could assume would be God. At times I felt it may be, but reminded quickly NO GOD has any influence on me. And that any human could become a GOD (in the Nietzsche sense). I also feel less materialistic. I don’t want stuff. In fact I feel like ebaying much of it away. I just want books and knowledge and experiences of every nature. Things pull you down, they entrap you like a relationship. There is no freedom in owning. - I could go on for hours on this but the fact is, one bad trip was worth the 12 amazing ones. But sometimes experimentation leads to bad results. It is the nature of experimentation.

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Date:2003-06-19 20:00

Condition in certain psychotic states in which the patient has delusions of talking or communing with supernatural or exalted beings.

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Date:2003-05-17 19:40

We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
The sun is falling down.
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles.

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Date:2003-05-11 23:13

life appears pale and bleak
why life?

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Date:2003-05-11 16:55
Subject:eyoukuthlu cometh!

Drunk that last few nights, a bender and still remain NOT driving while this occurs. and this happens with support of friends who drive, but I want to be in kontrol of where i'm going.
should of had the last injection.
its not like i can't get more.
i feel there will be a finality to it.
maybe the entity will come across permanetly and guide and do my bidding. hopefully it won't be the slab of maggot infested meat with one large eye. i'v vain.
so hungover today, cant'ttt get myself tod doooo anyyything.
bitch left this morning its over.
la is a police state.
oh forgot so is the us

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Date:2003-05-07 01:52

Just one more injection
one more injection
more injection

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Date:2003-05-06 14:15

A polluted stream is man.
One must become an ocean to receive a polluted stream without becoming unclean.
I teach you the Superman.
He is the ocean, in him your contempt be 'overwhelmed'.

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Date:2003-05-05 13:46
Subject:oh shiiiit

I almost forgot this stupid shit that happens to stupid shit.
I was again shopping like I always do at 3am and getting food stuff because all the annoying yuppy gang bangers have to wake up for their 10'o'clocks.
So I get the placet o meself.
I leave drive home and don't notice that car following me. Do note I usually do notice cars following me because i'm paranoid.
So I get out with two bags of groceries and three jawas get out of their suburban. yes they were jawas, they had hoods pulled over their eyes and so forth.
I live in a gangsta neighborhood anyway so I really didn't question it until one jawa yelled at me to 'give me all your money'. I turned to swing at him - and this is so stupid. The weight of my grocery bags, or that i'm really tired, but I fell on my ass. So the Jawa repeateth himself and demands money again....FUCK NO I"M NOT GIVEING YOU MY MONEY. (I really didn't have any) So I got up and pushed him away as I ran for my gate. The two backup jawas didn't follow the the lead turned around and got in his car once my rotweilers started barking. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I should of bough a GLOCK and TAKE care of BUISNESS>
whatever, they were kids and obviously didn't know what they were doing.

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Date:2003-05-05 13:23
Subject:Ketamine Experiment #12 Injected 2.3 ccs

This was fucked up. The first bad experience on K. My fault really, the music I had in was the cheesy near death experience I haven’t listened to since on acid in 1990. The machine itself it’s a bit annoying, flashing red lights, droning over the music and quite un-relaxing. So going into it was great. It was actually very NDE for I was flying through tunnels of ice, of fire and it was rather intense. Yet the glasses gave a pressure on my head that while on K, felt like my face was liquid and the only thing still was the glasses. So my face literally felt like it was being pulled away like goo or plastic man. At least I know what if fells like to have a face of rubber. This alone was worth the horrors that ended it.
So the tape ends before I’m done. 20 minutes. I believed it would loop. Try to change a cassette, cd, or ANYTHING technical on K and it will seem like brain surgery. You just don’t understand anything in reality. Everything has a new life a new meaning. In short I was pitched into silence and the glasses kept flashing. It became annoying than nauseous. K already gives you a feeling of being on a boat – that’s why some people throw up, but this was too much. I took them off and thought I was done. I was agitated and was so far from being relaxed. I stood up, each step across my bedroom was a decade. Then I broke down, started crying. Questioned myself what the fuck I was doing injecting animal tranquilizers in my ass. I wanted to call somebody, anybody to cry for help. Yet I probably couldn’t say a word. The timemachine was still in effect. I could only hope it would return me to the same time, the same place, the same body as I was in before.
It’s a turning point in most people must have in drug use. It’s a warning that its not going to get better. Your killing yourself.
I want to stop K, but K doesn’t want to stop me. Its vial beckons me when I sleep. I do have control, but I know I will do it again. Its like being told there is a gateway to heaven in your top drawer and telling yourself you won’t open it. Pandora’s box. I was always one to seek pleasure. And I always will.
So once the K wore off, I reconsidered a few things. One that – even though this trip was one of the worst experiences I ever had, it was also the only time I experimented with doing it differently. Sometimes experiments backfire or burn down your meth lab. But sometimes you come up with something better. I must accept this and move on.
Second I have only enough for one more dose. The magickal 13. It will end this affair. I will leave her an empty vessel, like a vampire I have returned to her , draining her life-force. I will leave her like the rest of the vials. Empty. And in the end I will always seek more.

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Date:2003-05-04 23:13

visions increasing, i should get this all down but reality is changing too fast.

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Date:2003-04-23 13:01
Subject:Ketamine Experiment #11 Injected 2 ccs right butt cheek.

Very pleasant, but I think my threshold has dulled. I didn’t feel as much but still it was way more intense than any of the snorted expeditions. I'm now having awakened hallucinations of the entity, I feel the presence of the khole now in my house. Its spooky but comforting. I've not once sensed harm from it. Even if its probably part of my mental breakdown.

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Date:2003-04-09 18:17
Subject:fucking braincells

i'm so fucking fucking fucking tired of reality. i wish i never tried drugs, never did K or acid or coke or la la la, i wish i was simple and stupid and ignorant and materialistic. no i can't exist like this. i go through life in a half alive state, sedated by food, jack, entertainment, dating, and never, NOT ONCE do I really feel alive like I do while on substances. is my sertonin level down? or was I born this way chemically unhappy with it all. everyone drives me insane, stupidity is on an uprise, people still breed, bush still is dictator, fuck! this isn't it. coffee doesn't elevate me anymore. I feel i'm only half-way existing. K has shown me complete happiness and now i feel like doing nothing. i'm only social when i drink. when i'm sober being around ANYONE drive me insane. Its probably LA. People like to talk about themselves. I say nothing. Don't they see this is one-sided? Don't they see it would be a better world without them in it?

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Date:2003-04-09 17:53
Subject:i am released but captive

yesterday I got my license back - i am a legal driver on probabation. i can drive but with no traces of alcohol. Thus I fear I won't be going to many bars with just me. I dread the temptation.
I don't want to repeat this.
Fixed up my car, new battery and other stuff. Its so fucking hot outside. I don't even feeling like driving in this heat, but I must. The LA smog monster is back.

Insomnia again last night, yet when I did dream I dreamed of a presense. It was always there. Like on K. Now occasionally I feel it there, behind me, reading as I'm reading, typing as I'm typing. I feel someone is using my eyes. Am I going crazy (toolate!) or am I being body snatched?
Get out of me!

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Date:2003-04-08 02:57

and i can't sleep tonight. i took sleeping pills, 2 big blue ones. i counted nothing but blood drops pittering on my head. but that is why i stay awake and write. alone as i always will be as sadly I was born around people, yet i will die alone. i live alone. all relationships are alone. this is a good thing. i would kill another being around them all the time. my pets don't bother me though. they never lie to me. they sit and sleep and eat and play. much like i would like to but my mind keeps me awake. even with the blue pills. i have one last dmv visit before i get my license. its been months. if all goes well i can drive again. i can stop asking others to help me over and over.
fuck the pain away.

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Date:2003-04-08 02:56

K doesn't help me sleep. it helps me cope. the knowledge of it in my room keeps me warm at night. i know it waits, i know anytime i could inject. i don't. i wait. anticipate.

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