and i can't sleep tonight. i took sleeping pills, 2 big blue ones. i counted nothing but blood drops pittering on my head. but that is why i stay awake and write. alone as i always will be as sadly I was born around people, yet i will die alone. i live alone. all relationships are alone. this is a good thing. i would kill another being around them all the time. my pets don't bother me though. they never lie to me. they sit and sleep and eat and play. much like i would like to but my mind keeps me awake. even with the blue pills. i have one last dmv visit before i get my license. its been months. if all goes well i can drive again. i can stop asking others to help me over and over. fuck the pain away.